A Little Universe

"Nothing behind me, everything ahead of me, as is ever so on the road."

Today, I vow to leave the past.

There had been so much that I tried to write here but I ended up deleting all those posts. It felt too personal. I did not like that. But what the pear right? I remember what Austin Kleon said in one of his books about advice... err something about the advice that we give out to people is basing upon our personal experience. Basically, an advice given by a person is just themselves talking to their past self. So tonight, I am gonna give advice to you. About lessons I have learned because these words are the knife that cuts me.

How it makes me who I am right now, the person writing this at almost 4AM in the morning.

First of all, I get all bummed out when someone fails to count their blessing(s). Regardless of how little those are. I am sure most of us have something to be thankful for. Perhaps some of us are luckier than the other to have people in our lives reminding us to be thankful. But anyone can do this. It takes about a second for you to be aware of the things that make you feel grateful you have them. Thankfulness is all about what you have. Not what you want. So for a moment, ditch the selfishness and just count your blessings. What if gets taken away from you? 

Your family's love and care.

Your friends who readily open their arms for you when you need a hug or two.

You might as well appreciate what you have as it is before it is gone. At least you will not regret not doing that. At least, when you look back to the past, you can smile and say, "I am glad I seized the moment and took everything I could possibly get from that." If it does not last, then there simply is something better ahead. If you lose something, you will gain something else. If you lose someone, you will gain another. Things come and go. People come and go. Take the good memories and lessons with you. Leave the bad ones behind you.

Appreciate everything!

Lesson number one: gratitude is good for your inner peace.

Moving on, let us get to my second advice. But before that- I guess this is quite a touchy subject because as Muslims, we all have different stances regarding romantic love. You may have, for countless of times, stumbled upon articles upon articles telling you that in order to love others, you need to love yourself first. That is true. If you are a Muslim, it may has been made known to you that the only romantic love acceptable in Islam is through marriage. Okay, I am fine with that. I believe it. But before that, we need to tackle certain questions first- the hows and the whys. BUT my little reading on philosophy taught me that humans can never really answer the Whys of the big questions, e.g. "why was the universe created?"- well we all know this can lead to endless debates by physicists and philosophers alike. My point here is that the Hows are the questions that lead us somewhere. The Whys will get us somewhere but often, we end up being nowhere again. This is my two cents of answers for the Hows: to me, romantic love is kindled when a form of attachment is fostered and it gets a little too complicated when you get emotionally involved with a person.

This is almost inevitable considering how everything boils down to how we communicate. Love comes in many form and I guess that is why there exist LGBT these days. We can never accurately define love. It is a feeling, a series of complex emotions interwoven. Naturally, as humans, we seek to find explanation for the complicated questions we ask ourselves. We are creatures of curiosity. 

I remember those times I would question Ilman about us. It was just scary to- strange as this sounds- love. To love is a scary thing for me. I would want to love the man I marry. Even right now, I am unsure of the future of us. But what I know is that both of us are trying hard to navigate ourselves towards that direction. We both care for each other. We would take turn to stubbornly stick around when the other is pushing another away. We both genuinely want to help each other. It sickens us to know the other is hurting. Why is that? I do not know. Why do we care for each other? I do not know. These are the questions we cannot answer because these are the sort of questions that will just bring endless discussions. And in the end, there is no guarantee which is the truth. But how is everything that we are feeling possible and real to us at the very least? Is it because of love? Yes quite possibly. To Ilman, feelings are gifts from God. I believe so too. There has to be a reason as to why He instilled feelings in our hearts? It is simultaneously a test and a blessing. 

Ilman reasoned with me that we do not have to figure out everything. Sometimes we just have to go with it, see where it goes and I agree with him. He could not be more right. None of us know the future. It is an uncertainty. But the best way to predict the future is by creating it. 

Hence, in love, despite its complexity, we go by a simple principle. Give love. I myself am a firm believer of sincerity (=) of giving without expecting anything in return. Because to me, if you truly are sincere, why would you want anything in return? 

Lesson number two: spread love with sincerity.

Fuh that was a long one. Up for the third advice? :P This one is by far, the one that I want to stress the most.

"Trouble- they might drag you down, if you get lost, you can always be found. Just know you're not alone." - if you are not familiar, this is actually lyrics from Phillip Phillips's song 'Home'. There will come a time when you feel alone but that is okay. You are alone but you are not lonely. If you believe in God, then you know that you have Him listening to your woes. Regardless, you never truly are alone. He is there but someone is also a phone call or a drive away from you. 

Pain is inevitable but suffering is a choice (Murakami- sorry I just HAVE to make reference). Choose whichever you want- whether you want to indulge in the sadness or to forget it, but you need to talk to someone. Or cry! Let everything out of your heart. We all have different coping mechanisms. If you ever find yourself in a vulnerable state, seek strength from someone else. Mom. Dad. Friend. Sister. Whoever. You are strong, yes but you are a human. However independent we all are, we need to admit that human beings are creatures of interdependence. In the end, when you choose to tough it through everything, you will, at any point break. The more you halt that process of reaching out to people for help, the more painful it gets. 

You will find that it is relieving that somebody is there to listen. Some people even want you to even if you feel like you are going to be burdening them with your troubles.  

Lesson number three: seek help when you need it.

We are down to the fourth advice. 

There will be days when the odds are not in your favour. For so long, things will be smooth-sailing but it is not always gonna be that way. There will be storms. But remember, for each storm you go through, you become a different person. A better person. Murakami (again!) said that this is what this storm is all about. 

Despite the storm, you gotta keep going. You gotta keep trying. You must not stop trying. If you stop, you lose. Champions are those who rise after every fall. People who hustle hard are people of respect. They respect themselves enough to try their best every time and they are equally respected by others if not more for their hard work. 

Lesson number four: be persistent and persevere.

The fifth! Most of the time, you are confident about yourself. You know yourself, accept yourself for who you are and love this person. You are the best company you can ever have. But there will be times when you feel so lost. You will feel outraged. 

You think that you should always be in control. But reality check: no you will not always be in control. Sometimes, you will feel lost. Like you do not know what you are doing. You do not know what you are doing with your life. Your life goals that you listed and have imprinted in your memory? POOF. Gone. You begin questioning everything. Your worth. Your life. 

Ahh but this is usually where it ended up at. The life itself. You just need to take time to re-connect with your soul. Remember your values and virtues. Be aware of your vices but never let it destroy the conviction you have in yourself. 

Lesson number five: stay strong, wait until time heals your wounds.

I am imperfect. I have been hurt. I have hurt others. I have so much to write about but that is it for now. Nonetheless.

Today, I become a woman. :)