April is my favourite month. We have passed a quarter of the year, but we are not in the middle of it. In short, April is a good time to reflect on the first trimester of the year. I can finally sit and summarize what I have learnt and realized over the past few months. I want to talk about growing up. Specifically, some lessons that I have learnt about growing up. So many things have been happening in my life- I have not had a proper time to sit down and write. Writing has always given me a cathartic effect, yet I could not write for the past few months. It had been crazy.
It feels right today, though.
So I shall write despite my heavy workload that is yet to be done. I have to study for the final exam in June. I have to complete the scholarship applications. I have to make time for discussions with my peers. I have to keep myself updated with the lecture slides and notes in Spectrum and not to forget the tutorial questions! I am so far behind for History of Linguistics... I have to complete the editing work for my college magazine. Now that Malam Anugerah Za'ba (my residential college annual dinner) is done, I have to finalise some reports and update the Ketua Biro file so the next Ketua Biro would work better and be better-prepared. I have to finalise the report for my faculty's Social Engagement project to Pos Pantos because the presentation is next week! I have to think about topics for my next couple of slots as a radio presenter at UMalaya Radio. How do we stay relevant? Students rarely tune into UMR on Tuesdays because Tuesdays are full-on English day (and btw you guys are welcomed to PM me your ideas if you have)! I have to prepare for a class debate next week (eep) and I seem to be given the role in leading because I have been the one steering the discussion by far... AAAND I have yet to finalise my Assignment for Phonetics & Phonology which is definitely not my favourite subject! It is highly interesting and having Dr. Stefanie (the Dean) as my lecturer makes it all better, but Phonetics & Phonology remains a struggle for me. Does being tone-deaf affect my interest in this subject? (LOL please don't be ridiculous, dear me...)
ANYWAY- I have to meet so many deadlines!
It feels almost absurd to allocate blogging time in my schedule today, but actually, I am editing this post whenever I have time; I write bits by bits. There is so much to be written that I worry if I missed out on important points I need to write here. So here I am, still writing this on the 2nd of May.
When the clock struck 00.00 a.m. on January 1st, 2016, I was in a red Axia with 5 other friends (don't ask me how was that humanly possible, IT JUST WAS! LOL) and we were stuck in a traffic jam. We were on our way to see the fireworks and though we did not make in time to the place we wanted to go to, we still saw the fireworks. It was probably not the best place to view the fireworks (which lasted about 5 minutes ONLY! We speculated that since Malaysia was a financial instability, they cut the budget for fireworks), yet I had the time of my life. The glorious view of the grand fireworks lasted for a while. I saw it from where I stood though it was not where I wanted to see it from. Truthfully, the fireworks meant nothing at all. Yeah, it was probably a celebratory mark of a new year, but it was not the pinnacle of it. It was a beautiful start, a prelude to a year that I envision to be eventful and as it always had been before this, lessonful. By far, 2016 had definitely been eventful- too eventful, for that matter. Too eventful that I have fallen sick a lot, missed multiple classes, failed to execute some plans within the intended timeframe, become a nocturnal human and a lot more little failures!
I would never want to have it any other way.
I have sustained a beautiful friendship with beautiful human beings that I met during the second month of university. They were the voice of reason when life was unbearably tough. They still are my biggest (and let's be honest, my only) support system here. You know there is that saying "When the going gets tough, the tough gets going"-or yeah something along that line- and all these months of university life, I feel like all these close friends of mine are the epitome of this quote. I admire how they can all laugh and smile and make me laugh and smile every day when in reality, we are all in a grief. We do share our plights and daily rants. However, we all tiptoe along the lines of our deepest sorrow. We avoid stepping on it, but at an occasional turn(s), we purposefully step on it and thread along that fine line. It was a necessary process.
We have survived and I still am surviving as well today! This is me writing on the 23rd of May. A month passed! Just. Like. That. I have not even finished writing my reflections of the first quarter of the year! It's midway through the second quarter. Oh Time... Anyways, this is a busy week for everyone. I ain't no exception. In fact, I am a little bit busier because I suddenly found myself having 7 presentations to execute this week! I mean pheww... It is gonna be a long way, but hey- I know I'll get there. I wanna get there being satisfied. That is with studies. Now, what's up with the extras? How now. This is the final, and I really mean FINAL stage of our magazine-making. We are to present the final copy of the edited magazine and in shaa Allah, by the end of the week, we will submit it to the publisher. Godspeed!
Talking about the end of the week... I have a conference to attend this Saturday. I highly anticipated this one- my faculty chose me to represent us at the Aspire 500 conference. There is nothing spesific that we have to do, but I defnitely am looking forward to learn. Maybe I should not put too high of an expectation. Remember NALS? God. I will talk about that later. Anyways, I do have some sort of expectations because boy oh boy. The speakers line-up is impressive. It is hard not to have any expectations! I am currently sitting in my Basic Entrepreneurship Skills class, mock-listening to people presenting. Pretty bullshit. We have to do the university courses and by far, all the people that I have spoken to do not like the university courses and find them utterly tedious besides useless. I mean, sure, we learn a little, but it definitely is not worth our time doing all these unnecessary things. It sucks that we have to re-learn the things that we already have throughout school and college such as TITAS and Ethnic Relations. I read about academic inadequcy in higher learning institutions yesterday and I feel like YES, it is indeed true, looking at the context of Malaysian universities. I mean the mahasiswas all learn TITAS and Ethnic Relations as well. Degree life is supposed to be preparing students for their career later on and it should be able to prepare them for postgraduate studies as well. Therefore, the effort to do that cannot be maximised when we have to concern ourselves with things that we already know about. I guess the only plus point here is that we get to boost our GPAs using the grades of the university courses. It brought very little meaning.
What is the point of it all?
However, like all things, I guess there is a deeper underlying meaning behind all of these. This makes me all the more critical and to a large extent, more skeptical about many things. Adding to that, I am taking Critical Thinking and Problem-Solving Skills class this semester as one of my faculty electives. And by GOD- the class is beyond magnificent! This class, aside from my own effort to motivate myself to not wallow in sadness, is one of the key trigger that help me be happier. I find myself leaving the class every Wednesday at 6 p.m. with a lightweight heart. Dr. Kuang just has it in her. She makes us think. She teaches us how think about thinking.
One time, we talked about something that I do not remember about, but what I do remember is what we talked about for a while which was depression. For a while, it occured to me how ironic it was to have studied depression for my my A Levels and not knowing that I was depressed for a bit post-result days. I remembered not feeling hungry for days and all I felt like doing was to stay in my room, lie on the bed and do nothing. Not nothing, per say. I stared into the abyss... and all this while "staring into the abyss" felt like it was just a form of phrasal expression people use in books to decribe the characters' self-indulgence. But. It was not. I was not able to do the mundane things I do at home. I was not able to function. I could not human.
I did not want to human. I did not feel like living. At some points, I had suicidal thoughts as well which was very odd because that never occured to me. I am, to a larger extent that I would want to admit, is very much rooted to Islamic beliefs. I am not exactly religious. I do not belief in the word "religious". How can one be considered religious anyway? They pray? They perfectly cover their aurahs?
I highly doubt it. Praying means that you are a Muslim. Covering your aurah means that you are a Muslim. So does fasting and doing other things. There is no such thing as being religious. How can we mere human beings measure religiousness? Is it not something that only God can judge? Get this: I have seen girls who "perfectly" cover their aurahs. Physically. SURE. But isn't aurah a notion of modesty as a whole? I do not see them doing that in their social medias. They still post their selfies. Again.
What is the point of it all?
I keep asking that question for the past few months. I am not entirely sure myself if I am in the phase of depression or is just depressed with that turn of an event. It is ridiculous to think that I have had, at some points, think about suicidal thoughts. Have I no faith in God? I asked myself that. I guess when you are in the pit of devastation, rationality and logic do not appeal as much anymore. It was comfortable to wallow in sadness and self-loathing. The funny thing though, is how I have many times thought that I have gotten through my sadness. I thought that I was "over it". But I realize that I can never simply "get over it". I am supposed to learn something. And by GOD- I learnt a great deal. I still am. Week by week, I find lessons unfolding themselves before me. Sometimes at the unlikeliest of moment. It was the most contented and sincerely calming moments.
I remembered not remembering how to feel. It was like I am being numbed by my internal pain, but you have no idea how much deeper than "numbness" it was. My devastation took away almost everything from me. The things that I have not lost yet? The will to live. I never really gave up. Maybe I say it a lot every single day. I never, for real, give up with life. I somehow keep functioning. And I realized that it was all His doing. It was His doing all along. Looking back, I feel like it has been miraculous.
It feels right today, though.
So I shall write despite my heavy workload that is yet to be done. I have to study for the final exam in June. I have to complete the scholarship applications. I have to make time for discussions with my peers. I have to keep myself updated with the lecture slides and notes in Spectrum and not to forget the tutorial questions! I am so far behind for History of Linguistics... I have to complete the editing work for my college magazine. Now that Malam Anugerah Za'ba (my residential college annual dinner) is done, I have to finalise some reports and update the Ketua Biro file so the next Ketua Biro would work better and be better-prepared. I have to finalise the report for my faculty's Social Engagement project to Pos Pantos because the presentation is next week! I have to think about topics for my next couple of slots as a radio presenter at UMalaya Radio. How do we stay relevant? Students rarely tune into UMR on Tuesdays because Tuesdays are full-on English day (and btw you guys are welcomed to PM me your ideas if you have)! I have to prepare for a class debate next week (eep) and I seem to be given the role in leading because I have been the one steering the discussion by far... AAAND I have yet to finalise my Assignment for Phonetics & Phonology which is definitely not my favourite subject! It is highly interesting and having Dr. Stefanie (the Dean) as my lecturer makes it all better, but Phonetics & Phonology remains a struggle for me. Does being tone-deaf affect my interest in this subject? (LOL please don't be ridiculous, dear me...)
ANYWAY- I have to meet so many deadlines!
It feels almost absurd to allocate blogging time in my schedule today, but actually, I am editing this post whenever I have time; I write bits by bits. There is so much to be written that I worry if I missed out on important points I need to write here. So here I am, still writing this on the 2nd of May.
When the clock struck 00.00 a.m. on January 1st, 2016, I was in a red Axia with 5 other friends (don't ask me how was that humanly possible, IT JUST WAS! LOL) and we were stuck in a traffic jam. We were on our way to see the fireworks and though we did not make in time to the place we wanted to go to, we still saw the fireworks. It was probably not the best place to view the fireworks (which lasted about 5 minutes ONLY! We speculated that since Malaysia was a financial instability, they cut the budget for fireworks), yet I had the time of my life. The glorious view of the grand fireworks lasted for a while. I saw it from where I stood though it was not where I wanted to see it from. Truthfully, the fireworks meant nothing at all. Yeah, it was probably a celebratory mark of a new year, but it was not the pinnacle of it. It was a beautiful start, a prelude to a year that I envision to be eventful and as it always had been before this, lessonful. By far, 2016 had definitely been eventful- too eventful, for that matter. Too eventful that I have fallen sick a lot, missed multiple classes, failed to execute some plans within the intended timeframe, become a nocturnal human and a lot more little failures!
I would never want to have it any other way.
I have sustained a beautiful friendship with beautiful human beings that I met during the second month of university. They were the voice of reason when life was unbearably tough. They still are my biggest (and let's be honest, my only) support system here. You know there is that saying "When the going gets tough, the tough gets going"-or yeah something along that line- and all these months of university life, I feel like all these close friends of mine are the epitome of this quote. I admire how they can all laugh and smile and make me laugh and smile every day when in reality, we are all in a grief. We do share our plights and daily rants. However, we all tiptoe along the lines of our deepest sorrow. We avoid stepping on it, but at an occasional turn(s), we purposefully step on it and thread along that fine line. It was a necessary process.
We have survived and I still am surviving as well today! This is me writing on the 23rd of May. A month passed! Just. Like. That. I have not even finished writing my reflections of the first quarter of the year! It's midway through the second quarter. Oh Time... Anyways, this is a busy week for everyone. I ain't no exception. In fact, I am a little bit busier because I suddenly found myself having 7 presentations to execute this week! I mean pheww... It is gonna be a long way, but hey- I know I'll get there. I wanna get there being satisfied. That is with studies. Now, what's up with the extras? How now. This is the final, and I really mean FINAL stage of our magazine-making. We are to present the final copy of the edited magazine and in shaa Allah, by the end of the week, we will submit it to the publisher. Godspeed!
Talking about the end of the week... I have a conference to attend this Saturday. I highly anticipated this one- my faculty chose me to represent us at the Aspire 500 conference. There is nothing spesific that we have to do, but I defnitely am looking forward to learn. Maybe I should not put too high of an expectation. Remember NALS? God. I will talk about that later. Anyways, I do have some sort of expectations because boy oh boy. The speakers line-up is impressive. It is hard not to have any expectations! I am currently sitting in my Basic Entrepreneurship Skills class, mock-listening to people presenting. Pretty bullshit. We have to do the university courses and by far, all the people that I have spoken to do not like the university courses and find them utterly tedious besides useless. I mean, sure, we learn a little, but it definitely is not worth our time doing all these unnecessary things. It sucks that we have to re-learn the things that we already have throughout school and college such as TITAS and Ethnic Relations. I read about academic inadequcy in higher learning institutions yesterday and I feel like YES, it is indeed true, looking at the context of Malaysian universities. I mean the mahasiswas all learn TITAS and Ethnic Relations as well. Degree life is supposed to be preparing students for their career later on and it should be able to prepare them for postgraduate studies as well. Therefore, the effort to do that cannot be maximised when we have to concern ourselves with things that we already know about. I guess the only plus point here is that we get to boost our GPAs using the grades of the university courses. It brought very little meaning.
What is the point of it all?
However, like all things, I guess there is a deeper underlying meaning behind all of these. This makes me all the more critical and to a large extent, more skeptical about many things. Adding to that, I am taking Critical Thinking and Problem-Solving Skills class this semester as one of my faculty electives. And by GOD- the class is beyond magnificent! This class, aside from my own effort to motivate myself to not wallow in sadness, is one of the key trigger that help me be happier. I find myself leaving the class every Wednesday at 6 p.m. with a lightweight heart. Dr. Kuang just has it in her. She makes us think. She teaches us how think about thinking.
One time, we talked about something that I do not remember about, but what I do remember is what we talked about for a while which was depression. For a while, it occured to me how ironic it was to have studied depression for my my A Levels and not knowing that I was depressed for a bit post-result days. I remembered not feeling hungry for days and all I felt like doing was to stay in my room, lie on the bed and do nothing. Not nothing, per say. I stared into the abyss... and all this while "staring into the abyss" felt like it was just a form of phrasal expression people use in books to decribe the characters' self-indulgence. But. It was not. I was not able to do the mundane things I do at home. I was not able to function. I could not human.
I did not want to human. I did not feel like living. At some points, I had suicidal thoughts as well which was very odd because that never occured to me. I am, to a larger extent that I would want to admit, is very much rooted to Islamic beliefs. I am not exactly religious. I do not belief in the word "religious". How can one be considered religious anyway? They pray? They perfectly cover their aurahs?
I highly doubt it. Praying means that you are a Muslim. Covering your aurah means that you are a Muslim. So does fasting and doing other things. There is no such thing as being religious. How can we mere human beings measure religiousness? Is it not something that only God can judge? Get this: I have seen girls who "perfectly" cover their aurahs. Physically. SURE. But isn't aurah a notion of modesty as a whole? I do not see them doing that in their social medias. They still post their selfies. Again.
What is the point of it all?
I keep asking that question for the past few months. I am not entirely sure myself if I am in the phase of depression or is just depressed with that turn of an event. It is ridiculous to think that I have had, at some points, think about suicidal thoughts. Have I no faith in God? I asked myself that. I guess when you are in the pit of devastation, rationality and logic do not appeal as much anymore. It was comfortable to wallow in sadness and self-loathing. The funny thing though, is how I have many times thought that I have gotten through my sadness. I thought that I was "over it". But I realize that I can never simply "get over it". I am supposed to learn something. And by GOD- I learnt a great deal. I still am. Week by week, I find lessons unfolding themselves before me. Sometimes at the unlikeliest of moment. It was the most contented and sincerely calming moments.
I remembered not remembering how to feel. It was like I am being numbed by my internal pain, but you have no idea how much deeper than "numbness" it was. My devastation took away almost everything from me. The things that I have not lost yet? The will to live. I never really gave up. Maybe I say it a lot every single day. I never, for real, give up with life. I somehow keep functioning. And I realized that it was all His doing. It was His doing all along. Looking back, I feel like it has been miraculous.
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